Reflections

I pour coffee that I brewed at home into the twist-off cup of my stainless-steel coffee thermos, take a sip and begin to think of a few aspects of my life in which I have found dissatisfaction. One: I am not in the career of my choice or desire, but that’s ok because that happens to a lot of people. Suck it up, boyo. Two: I am not at the place I want to be with regards to songwriting and music. Three: I have no friends with which I can regularly connect, spend time together, etc. I think of these things then ask myself, “What am I going to do about it? I have to face my issues instead of continually running from them.” So in response to that question, I’ve decided to take up this blogging thing again to chronicle my personal exploration of these problems, and by doing so to hopefully find a solution.

I work in a call center for a bank. I deal with complaints, issues with the day-to-day functionality of the branches, troubleshooting, and understanding of our procedures. I deal with asinine behavior of people who clearly don’t know what the heck they are doing, but hey, I get to tell people what to do. Infinite power in an itty-bitty living space, but it’s a constant “Poof! Whatdya want? Poof! Whatdya want?” kind of day, every day. Boring stuff, sure.

What I would like to do? Honestly, I would love being a missionary. I went to North Central University to get a degree in Cross-Cultural Studies, hoping this would equip me for the task. Unfortunately the credentialing process was a disaster. I would rather cover that in a different discussion; I still feel rather raw and bitter regarding that encounter. Needless to say it has given me a strong level of distaste for the Assemblies of God as a denomination. Perhaps I may find another means by which to express my faith in a meaningful way.

Now on to music. I’ve been on this 10 year hiatus and allowing myself to be continually distracted from completing a CD I have intended to make. Maybe it’s my ADHD taking over my life, maybe it’s just pure laziness. Perhaps it’s a bit of fear, maybe some lack of confidence in my abilities as a musician. Perhaps a combination of all of the above.

I have to give myself some credit, as I have been working on developing a warm pad sound for keyboard. The sounds on my wife’s Casio workstation are wimpy, as well as most soundfonts I have tried. I utilized Csound for this, and it it sounding great so far! I have some fine tuning to do on it before I can say I’m totally satisfied with it, but we will see. I’ve also been working on honing my playing skills a bit. I managed to draft Navigatio, which is a tune about St. Brendan the Navigator. I would rather make a quality CD than one that’s half-assed. Maybe I need to just sit and make a deadline chart. Right now I can’t because we’re going to be moving in a month (I know, another distraction).

The last one, I am just not sure what to do about it. I’ve tried making friends, but usually the people I’m able to identify with the most just don’t have time. A lot of friends that I’ve made through the years have been too busy, or too fickle. All I can do is keep trying, right?

There are many good things that happen, though. Through the headache of being turned away by the Assemblies of God, I feel that God has spared me. He has spared me from the evil of wicked, mean-spirited “men of God” who claim to be His servants. I feel He has spared me from becoming something that I am not, and being sucked into a system that is unkind and unforgiving to people who experience the things that I have. I suppose if even Christ was rejected by the established religious leaders of His day, I am in good company, eh? I thoroughly enjoy being a father and a husband. To be loved by a loving wife and a son full of sunshine and giggles is the best thing in the world.

I’ve taken up fly fishing again, and my pursuit of the elusive steelhead keeps going. Spending time on the river becomes my chapel, my place of prayer as I cast my line in a tight loop across the river and allow the fly to swing in the green-stained current. I feel closer to God as I wade in his powerful creation; I connect with Him, the wider world around me, and I also connect with myself.

So I stare that this screen and poke away at these keys, moisture filling my eyelids and I look inwards regarding the above mumbo-jumbo. I still wonder, “What do I do?” Sip the coffee and pray it goes away. It doesn’t. I guess this is life. Bad things happen to good people. Life happens, and it is full of distractions. It is ever fluid, the eddies of life swirl around us. We may be stuck for a time, but we can enjoy the scenery as the river’s flow carries us in it’s never ending babble.

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